


Glimmer

by serendipityaey



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipityaey/pseuds/serendipityaey
Summary: Sometimes even a wavering light in the darkness can be enough to bring you through. How will Billy Butcher cope with a supe he can't walk away from?
Relationships: Billy Butcher/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 43





	1. Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts some years before the show

_Damn, it was really fucking dark._ But Addison Caldwell knew what she had to do. With silent steps, she crept down the wide corridor on the 54th floor of the bleak office building. She wore a tight fitting solid black jacket and black trousers, her usually messy white-gold hair pulled back into a sleek knot at the nape of her neck. 

Pausing four doors down from the conference room that was spilling light from under the doorway, she reached for the nearest doorknob, listened for a moment - _empty_ \- then jiggled the handle. _Fuck, locked_. Soundlessly she moved to the next and listened. Empty. Jiggle. And open, the doorknob turned. The corner of her mouth quirked and she slipped inside, closing the door behind her. The room was small and pitch black, no windows, perfect. 

Addison pressed her hands to the wall and stilled completely. It wasn’t necessarily required for her unique powerset but it helped her concentrate. Her stomach rumbled and she cursed under her breath but otherwise ignored it. She had to. It was only a moment and she focused in fully on the conversation taking place 100 feet away, through three different walls, as if she was in the room herself. 

_Politicians._ She wrinkled her nose. _Fucking twats._ But she desperately needed the money. The people that were paying her needed to know what this particular senator’s plans were for the upcoming crime bill and what information could be used to make sure it went their way. They probably weren’t great people either but she didn’t give a fuck. Screw all of them. 

Addison took notes silently, typing her own shorthand into the device on her wrist. As soon as she could hear them wrapping their meeting up she uploaded her notes to a cloud and pulled her hood up to cover her hair before moving to the door. She paused again for a second to determine no one was in the corridor, then slipped out of the room.

A soft breath of relief left her when she found the hallway still empty and dark and she headed for the emergency stairs at the other side of the building. It was a long corridor. After a minute she stopped cold when she both heard the hard thud of someone else’s heart and noticed a red dot through the blackness, focusing in the middle of her chest then rising up. Addison froze, but it was too late and she knew it. 

“Don’t you dare fuckin’ move you supe cunt. If you so much as blink, I’ll blow your pretty brains out and I’ve done me research on ya, so I’m pretty sure that endeavor would prove successful.” 

The sound of the safety being disengaged on a high powered tactical rifle was clear as day.

_Shit._

She was pretty sure it would too.

****

Hours passed before Addison saw another person. Her lower back gave a dull throb of pain from the stupid metal chair and the chains that kept her in one stiff position. Heaven help a normal person left in this situation...but then maybe he’d left her this long on purpose because he knew exactly what she was. Even with her accelerated rate of healing, if it was too much for too long, she could still feel it. Pain. Her faithful constant companion.

Addison closed her eyes to try once again to get a read on what was going on in the building around her but it was difficult. There were too many people and she was weak. She heard muffled voices and shouts, footsteps and thuds. Someone was crying two floors up and another shouting. She shifted her attention to the other side of the building and higher up, using all her energy -

Suddenly the door to the interrogation room flew open, clanging against the wall. Unprepared for it, Addison wasn’t able to buffer against the sound to her sensitive hearing. 

“Fucking hell,” she startled, her ears ringing and her eyes flying open. How the fuck had he snuck up on her. Addison glared up at the man that entered the room. Dark and fierce, his eyes seemed to gleam with energy and there was a cocky smirk on his face. 

“Oh my apologies Ms.Caldwell, did I interrupt some supe fuckery you were working on there? Do forgive me.” His British accent was thick and rough, and took her off guard. This was the same agent that had threatened her in the hallway - and the sneer on his face made it clear what his real feelings were. He closed the door and took the chair across from her, slapping a thin manila file on the table between them. 

Addison shifted, unable to help herself, testing the chains wrapped around her wrists behind her and connected to her ankles and the floor. 

“Titanium and steel,” he gave her a hateful smirk. “Anchored 5 feet into the concrete. So you might as well get comfy. You’re gonna be here for awhile so let’s just have a little chat why don’t we?” The expression on his face was keen and knowing, his dark hazel eyes arresting. “Tell me what you know about the people you were workin’ for.” 

Addison kept quiet. She didn’t really know that much. It was a job, money she needed to survive, and she didn’t fucking care. But she had recognized her current captors immediately as CIA which meant the people she had taken the job from were probably tied to foreign terrorists. _Shit._ “I got the contact from a weapons guy I’ve worked with. Normal buying and selling. I thought it was more of the same. I - didn’t know.”

He leaned closer across the table. “Well, that’s too bad now ain’t it. Because those cunts are diabolical monsters and you workin’ for them is only going to help get a lot of innocent people killed.” He leaned back looking at her like he could see straight into her black soul. “The only thing worse than a supe is a fuckin’ stupid one.”

Something heated and wild bubbled up inside of her, emotion that threatened to burn up through her from the inside out. She couldn’t stand the smug, demeaning look on his face - what right did he have to sit there and judge her like he was a god. She matched his dark glare with one of her own. The sound of his heartbeat was steady and calm and it only made her angrier. “Suck my dick, douchebag.” 

“Oi!” He chuckled with what she could only describe as an evil grin, openly satisfied he had antagonized her to that level. “Aren’t you just a joy to be around.”

Addison steeled herself against her rising emotions and narrowed her eyes at him. “I am a ray of fucking sunshine.”

He gave a low laugh, standing up and pushing the chair back in, his eyes glittering with mirth that she was sure would only be a bad sign for her. 

“Well listen here, sunshine.” He put his hands on the table, leaning down to look her in the eye, fire burning in his, his voice low and dangerous. “We’ve got you, and you’re not goin’ anywhere. You’ll be locked in alone, chained up like the animal you are, for the rest of your life. You might be strong, eh, but you’re not strong enough to escape me and no one out there gives one single fuck about you, do they?” 

Addison swallowed but fought to keep expression stony and cold. Maybe he was right but she didn’t think they really had enough proof to put her away. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Aye, but you were goin’ to, sunshine, weren’t ya? So if you tell us everything you know, maybe we’ll let you out when you’re 90 for good behavior.” He winked and he was gone. An hour later, the next guy came in. 

****

“Absolutely fuckin’ not. No fuckin’ way.”

Addison could hear the smug asshole easily in the room on the other side of the glass. He knew what she could do so he must not care, she reasoned, though she wondered if she’d be able to hear him even without super hearing. Still it gave her pleasure he was so upset. 

Because she’d made a deal. 

What she heard next could only be described as a feral growl. “I am not workin’ with a fuckin’ supe cunt like her.”

“Butcher, stow it. It’s one mission. Think of her as a tool, get in, get the target and get out.”

 _Butcher_ , Addison thought. Fitting name. 

She heard him snarl and pace across the room. “I shouldn’t even be on this job. I don’t know why I ever listen to you Gray.”

“Because I’m your partner. And we’re a team. We need this Butcher. We need this now. And she can get us in tonight.”

“I better not come to fuckin’ regret this.”

The door to the interrogation room slammed open a second later and she despised how it made her jump. 

“You’re signin’ your life away, you hear me? And if you even think of steppin’ out of line I’ll shoot you myself. And no weapons,” he stabbed his finger in the air at her, fierce and angry.

She wanted to shout right back at him but suddenly she was just too tired to fight. Her shoulders slumped and she tipped her head. She wasn’t what he thought she was. “Fine. Can you take the chains off now?”

He crossed his arms. “No I bloody well can’t. Anything else you’d like to request, sunshine?”

She wanted to throw a knife through his head but she bit her ire back. It wouldn’t help anything now. “Can I at least have a meal before you put me to work?” she ground out through clenched teeth. 

“Oi, hungry now are ya? Terrorism sure works up an appetite, don’t it.”

She looked away. “I haven’t eaten in a few days.”

Billy leaned on the table again to level with her. “And why exactly should I believe that?” 

Addison didn’t answer and she didn’t turn back to him but she could feel his gaze on her, studying her and he must have seen something. He left the room and 10 minutes later she was cutting into a plate of steak and potatoes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for reading! If you're here because you have me on alert, I finally wrote again and you should totally watch this show! I haven't loved anything this much in years, and it's been a few really rough years. If you're here because of The Boys - I am not a great story writer, but I love characters, I love deepening good characters and I love these characters. I really hope someone somewhere out there gets a little bit of joy from reading this story. Much, much more to come. Please let me know what you think! Love and light


	2. Blood

“Shoot to kill?” 

Addison could feel Butcher’s annoyance radiating from his pores as he rolled his eyes. 

“You grow a conscious all the sudden, sunshine? He’s a wanted fuckin’ terrorist. They ain’t likely to give in without a fight. What do you think all this gear is for. Not that you need it.” 

Addison sighed. “Obviously I know they are...wanted. But your orders for them were - I thought -” 

Butcher shot her a look of pure fire so there was clearly no point in continuing the conversation. She huffed.  _ What in the fuck was she doing. _

“And yes I need it,” Addison grumbled, tugging on her bullet proof vest under her jacket. “I’d probably heal fast enough to survive but I still feel all of the pain.”

“Aye, like I said. Don’t need it.”

“Jackass,” she muttered and he shot her another hot glare. 

“Keep your mouth shut, sunshine, and stay behind me. We’re going in.” He nodded his head to the other agents. 

She held her tongue and did as he said. As soon as this was over she would be done with him and she’d never have to see him again. She would guarantee it. If the fucking government wanted to control her then fucking fine, they could pay her to help black ops. But no Billy Butcher. Never again. 

They were under a huge office building in the middle of the city and the basements were dark and like a labyrinth. She had only been here once before but combined with her powers it was enough. 

As soon as they were in he stopped and looked at her. The other agents stayed a few steps back and she took a breath, closing her eyes to listen. She could feel his gaze on her even with her eyes closed. The concrete was thick down here and it took a moment to pick anything up. Then she heard the faint sound of voices - five or six to the west end of the building, and... maybe three to the east. She made the signals she learned and Butcher nodded, gesturing for the back up team to go to the west and then her to follow him.  _ Fan-fucking-tastic. _

They moved slowly down the dark hallway. A dim overhead light flickered and water dripped from an exposed pipe, puddling on the floor. Butcher stepped over it without looking. 

Addison followed him silently, pointing when he turned to her for direction. After making their way to the end of one long corridor she heard a door open and close somewhere and she reached out to touch his arm. The warmth that emanated from him surprised her, as if she expected him to be made of stone, but she shook it off. 

He stopped in the dimness and turned to watch her as she listened. His intense gaze on her was unnerving and she had that feeling again like he could read the inside of her mind like a book. Another door opened and she heard city noise then footsteps on the pavement before the sound disappeared. She raised two fingers and tipped her head toward the direction they were headed. The skin around his eyes crinkled and he nodded once then he was off again. 

When they approached the correct door she knew he could hear the two voices inside himself. They paused then he motioned for her to take a step back. She crouched down and made an effort to buffer her own hearing, knowing what was coming next. 

And come it did. Butcher blew the handle right off the door with a spray of bullets and kicked the door in. As expected the two men inside scrambled for their own guns but Butcher was faster. In a matter of seconds they were dead on the ground. 

By the time she realized she was hearing new footsteps running toward them it was too late. 

She turned from where she was crouched low next to the doorway and saw it happen as if in slow motion; the man had a pistol pointed at Butcher’s head, aiming to kill, then she heard him pull the trigger. 

She couldn’t think, she only knew she couldn’t let it happen. She lunged for Butcher, grabbing on to the lapels of his jacket and throwing herself into him with hopefully enough momentum to pull him out of harms way. He swung his arm over her as they fell to the ground, shooting his would be killer and Addison suddenly realized the bullet she was protecting him from was ripping through her. She cried out as her flesh was torn all the way through and pain exploded inside. She fell on top of Butcher and he instinctively wrapped his arm around her waist, turning so he could pull her under him and aiming for any more attackers. 

She focused in on her body and felt with relief that the bullet had gone through her upper arm and missed any arteries, but the force of it had been powerful and fuck it hurt.

Addison groaned as Butcher shifted her again but at least it seemed there were no more enemies. The next two down the hallway were from Billy’s team.

Butcher set his gun aside and laid her carefully on her back, hovering over her. “Shite,” he cursed as the blood started to soak through her shirt. “You okay?”

She turned to look up at him, startled by the concern she found in his eyes. “Yes...” she grimaced, “just...”

She shifted to try and shrug out of her jacket so she could use it against the bleeding and he moved to help her immediately. “Throw me that towel...” he shouted at one of his men, gesturing toward a table inside the room, “and get a fuckin’ medic in here!” 

He turned back to her, wrapping the towel tightly around her arm. She could already see her blood on his hands. “That was a really fuckin’ stupid thing to do,” he growled. 

Addison sighed as she felt the pressure from the towel and his hands. “You’re welcome,” she deadpanned in a strained voice. 

He ignored her, focusing on her wound, keeping pressure on her arm. A medic appeared a minute later and Butcher barked at him to hand the kit over. When the medic hesitated, Butcher snarled like a wild animal and Addison would have laughed if she could have.

He worked quickly, making sure the towel was tight around her arm to cover the entrance and exit wounds then shifted closer, lifting her arm to to rest against his chest so it was elevated and he could wrap gauze around the towel. 

He stayed with her as a flurry of activity went on around them, keeping her arm raised against his chest and using his hands to keep pressure on her arm. 

Addison sighed again as she finally felt her head start to clear and the pain wasn’t quite as searing. She opened her eyes to find Butcher watching her intently. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t just let me bleed out,” she tried to joke, but it came out kind of pathetically, her voice still weak. “Would’ve been an easy write off.”

“Not on my team. Not on my watch.” 

She tried to do to him what he did to her, searching his gaze for - something...but he was only chaos and fire. All she could think of was a moth being drawn to flame. 

“Will you be okay?” he asked after another minute. 

“If I can rest and eat, I think. Maybe stitches...” she grimaced. 

He nodded, reading her again, then he shifted to help her stand up without her even having to say it. 

_ Fuck, what a weird 24 hours it had been. _

****

Butcher stood with his arms crossed leaning against the counter on the other side of the exam room while a doctor stitched up her arm. 

“You’re lucky the bullet went clean through,” the doctor looked over his glasses at her then turned to the counter. “Trying to get it out would’ve been a chore.”

“Mmm,” she scoffed. “Super lucky.” 

He turned back with a syringe in hand and she shook her head. “No drugs. They don’t work.”

“Suit yourself.”

Addison winced a minute later as the doctor went to work cleaning out the wound on the back of her arm. The strap of her tank was pulled down and his steadying hand on her arm didn’t help. She hated being touched. 

“You’re a fuckin’ fragile little supe, aren’t ya?” Butcher said. 

“I just took a bullet for you, asshole. It’s not my fault I didn’t win the superpower jackpot. I got the used scratch off ticket from the filthy pawn shop in the alley.”

Billy snorted but when she looked at him his brow was furrowed, his eyes dark. 

“If I had given you a gun you wouldn’t have had to take that bullet.”

Addison shrugged, looking away. “I don’t like guns.” He didn’t say anything and she finally looked back at him. “You don’t have to stay here with me. I’m sure you have other people to make miserable.” 

He ignored her. “Why’d ya do it. If you had let me die no one would’ve known. It woulda been on me.”

Addison winced as the needle was stabbed through her skin, again and again, then the stitch was tied off. “I have no idea. I’m pretty sure I hate you.”

Butcher smirked. “Aw, I’m sure I hate you too, sunshine.” 

Addison made a face. “Fantastic, we’re on the same page.”

The doctor finished with the entry wound and switched to the front. Suddenly she felt unbearably tired and she realized she would have to find some place to sleep whenever they decided to let her out of her. A heavy sigh left her and she tried not to move so much. She wondered if she should ask to lie down while the doctor finished but she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“You do look awful, don't ya. What’s with the not eating? You looked a day past death when I brought you in.”

She shook her head, unable to stop herself from wincing again at a twinge of pain and shrugged her good shoulder. “Lost everything.”

Butcher lifted an eyebrow at her. 

“My father...” she looked down at her hand, flicking a spec of dried blood from her fingernail. “I finally told him to fuck off and he took everything. I don’t even know how. I didn’t have much...but it was mine. Not a penny ever came from him.” She shrugged again not really wanting to talk about it anymore.

The doctor shifted, moving his hand to her shoulder and she flinched, then sighed. Butcher watched all of it with a shrewd gaze.  _ Fuck, he was reading her mind again. _

Finally the doctor finished.

“Now what?” She grumbled, fixing her tank top and pulling her jacket on. 

“C’mon.” Butcher jerked his head toward the hallway and she jumped off the table to follow him. 

“Wait in here.” He opened a door to a room and ushered her inside without entering himself. “Gray’ll be down in awhile.”

She sighed, but couldn’t help noticing the tiniest of gleams in Butcher’s eyes as he reached to close the door between them. “And Sunshine?” 

She waited, a little scared at what was coming...

Butcher clapped his hand on her good shoulder and nodded toward the table. And then he was gone but she could still feel the warmth from his touch. She ignored the way it made her feel, or more to the point, the way it didn’t make her feel, and turned to look.

On the table was a keycard to a hotel room across the street and the biggest slice of pie Addison had ever seen, with a steaming mug of creamy coffee. 

****

“You know the deal, Caldwell. No one knows. This is all below board.” Butcher’s partner, Michael Gray, stared her down but he wasn’t nearly as intimidating. Groomed and polite, even if his voice was cold as the Arctic, Addison felt relief. She was relieved Butcher wasn’t here...wasn’t she? Yes. Yes...

Addison nodded, her arms crossed protectively tight across her chest. She knew it had been a mistake to get caught up with those kind of people but she had no idea how bad it had actually been. And she was sick of doing fucked up jobs to get by since her father stole everything from her. Of course she could get a regular job, but they always found out what she was, and she couldn’t deal. Freelancing for the CIA...well there were a lot of rules but she didn’t care. A price she was willing to pay for the rest of her freedom, and one she figured was due because of her mistakes. 

Gray led her down the hall to collect the rest of her things, including her phone, which she hadn’t had in two days. “Debrief tomorrow at 8am sharp and you’ll be given a set of instructions, a secure phone and —“

“Shit,” Addison cursed under her breath as she thumbed through her notifications. 

“What is it?” Gray asked. 

“Fifteen missed calls...” She scrolled further down, words from a multitude of texts blurring in her head until she found the one she hadn’t known she’d been looking for. 

“My father’s dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am not a great ‘story’ writer, haha… But I love to write characters, so the next chapter will take place maybe around a year after this one, so be forewarned. If you are new to my writing, I like to write moments. My main, main hope is to do the characters justice. Please please please please please let me know what you think! Lots to come, love and light!


	3. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place a year or two later, but still before the show.

“They’ve betrayed you. They lied to you.” Michael Gray’s ice cold voice suddenly seemed to make complete sense. 

“No.” She shook her head once. “They didn’t.” One swift, super-powered kick to the torso and Addison Caldwell knocked the agent to his knees on his living room floor. Another kick knocked the phone out of his hand to fly across the room, skidding across the expensive hardwood floor. 

“You stupid bitch,” he ground out as he clutched his middle in agony. She might have ruptured his kidney. 

“Shut up, Gray.” 

She stood over him and pulled the gun out of the holster on her thigh. 

“Wait.” He held his hand up, the only indicator of his fear was his pupils dilating and the increased thud of his heart. “My wife and kid...”

“I got them out,” she cut him off. “They’re safe. Now,” she added pointedly. 

His eyes narrowed and Addison knew this was her moment. 

She swung her arm, bashing the gun against his temple and he crumpled to the floor. He was out completely. 

Addison crouched down, just looking at him for a moment. So cold and tailored. She didn’t want to kill him. She didn’t want to kill anyone. But he couldn’t live.

She lifted his hand and put the gun in it, then turned it to his temple where she’d hit him. She turned her head as she made him pull the trigger. 

She couldn’t help it. She winced as she did. But she remembered all the things he had done. 

As she stood, she checked her gloved hands to make sure there was no blood, than glanced over the rest of herself. She made herself look at what she had for one moment then just as she was about to turn, a sudden snarl came from the kitchen behind her. “You fuckin’ supe cunt.”

_ Fuck fuck fuck. _ Of course Gray would call Butcher. He was the only person he really could call anymore. Gray must have seen her when she pulled up across the street. 

“Butcher...” Addison turned fully to face him. He had absolute murder in his eyes. 

Unfortunately she had seen him a few more times in the last couple years than she had wanted to. Many more times, actually and they had even ended up working together twice without killing each other, even if she still told herself she never wanted to see him at all. This time was different. This time she really knew for sure she didn’t want to be seeing him.

The gun she used was still on the floor behind her and she wouldn’t dare turn her back on him to grab it. “Butcher, whatever Gray told you, he lied.”

“I don’t think so.” Butcher took another step toward her, she felt like prey being stalked. “Gray told me you were here to kill him and now would you look at that...”

_ Fuck.  _

In the next moment Butcher was lunging toward her. Addison ducked as he swung his fist hard, only barely missing her head. She came up again punching him hard in the jaw, then she kicked his leg and he stumbled but recovered quickly, and grabbed her arm. He swung another fist at her face and this time he connected, but it wasn’t enough to knock her back. Yanking her arm free, she kicked him in the stomach but he was quick and grabbed her ankle, making her twist to the floor. Damn, but she knew she was pulling her punches. 

She landed on her back with a thud, but threw her hands up between them. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to find out. “Butcher wait -“

In the next second a vase was smashing across her face. The force of it made her head ring, and everything went fuzzy before she could shake it off. When she did, Billy was looming above her, his sidearm pointed right between her eyes. They both knew how very not bulletproof she was. 

“He was my partner,” he growled.

“No...he wasn’t. He was a traitor, Billy.”

Butcher growled again, cocking his gun. “Lying cunt.”

“Fuck you, Butcher -“ A dozen different options flew through her mind as she considered what to do next. She could hurt him. Eventually he would wear down, but could she outlast him? Yeah she was a supe, but he was...Billy fucking Butcher. She didn’t know. 

_ Fuck. _ Addison sucked in a breath as her cheekbone throbbed. Damn it must have been a huge fucking vase. It throbbed again.

_ Pain. Always pain. _ It would never end. She had to close her eyes. The hatred and disgust in his hurt just as much as any physical thing he could do to her. How much more could she take.

She took a breath and made herself face him one more time. This was all he ever wanted wasn’t it? Kill supes. She couldn’t think past the ache of it all. 

“Fine,” she said, her voice hard. “Do it,” she dared him, staring him down for as long as she could, then she closed her eyes and waited for darkness to finally take her.

She waited but nothing happened. Her eyes fluttered open again. Butcher stood in the same position, glaring down at her, war raging on his face. 

“Just do it,” she said louder. 

He flinched, his brow furrowed as he glowered but something glinted and she saw it then in his eyes. 

He wouldn’t, and he never would, even if some part of him really wanted to.

In the blink of an eye, she hooked his ankle with her foot to distract him then kicked his knee, making him grunt and stumble back. She rolled her body backwards, pressing her hands to the ground and kicking her legs up to land on her feet. She punched him him across the face and then she kicked him square in the chest, enough to knock the wind out of him and send him falling backwards into the wall where he hit his head with a thud. Then she ran. 

_ Fuck fuck fuck.  _

As soon as she was outside she held her wrist up. “It’s done. Butcher is in the house but I assume he’ll disappear before you see him.”

“Problems?”

She touched her swollen cheekbone as she started her car. It wasn't broken. “No.” 

****

Hours later Addison was sitting on her balcony when she heard someone outside her loft door. The knock that followed was soft and she ignored it. She didn’t want to see a soul but she knew she hadn’t locked her door. When they didn’t leave, she put her cigarette out, closing her eyes, listening closer. 

_ Thump-thump. Thump-thump.  _

Butcher. Fuck. 

But he was calm now. 

The door opened and she listened as he stepped inside her tiny studio loft apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. She could’ve stayed hidden on the balcony but something made her stand and go inside. 

“Butcher,” she gave him a stony greeting, holding every one of her emotions at bay with an iron will. 

“My fuckin’ ray of sunshine,” he said in that way only he could. Somehow charming and threatening at the same time. “You keep comin’ round whether I want you to or not.”

“You’re the one comin’ around, Butcher. I shouldn't even let you in.”

He lifted his brow, gesturing at the room and making a show of looking around. “I’m already in, love.”

Addison folded her arms across her chest. “Well, you’re not wanted.”

His brow furrowed. “Just came to talk.”

Damn that look in his eyes. Fire and chaos. And fucking genuine concern. 

Addison stared at him for a moment. He had a swollen eye and a cut on his lip but the anger was gone from him. Or at least the anger from this particular incident. She sighed and went to her fridge, opening it up. “Fuck...” she muttered as she searched the contents, then closed it again. “I assume someone told you,” she murmured then opened her pantry. She pulled out two bottles of beer, popped the tops off with her hand and handed him one. “Sorry, not cold.” 

Billy didn’t say anything but she could feel his gaze on her, always burning, always reading her. She led him back out to her dark, narrow balcony, curling up in an old chair in one corner, leaving him the bench in the other. 

Billy sat and took a sip from the bottle, looking out over the glittering cityscape. “What were your orders?”

She shrugged, pulling a cigarette out of the carton and lighting it, then offered him one but he shook his head. 

“You know how orders are.”

He took another sip. “Part of the reason I stopped lettin’ them wangle me into bad jobs. Harrison told me you were ‘within the parameters of your assignment.’”

She took a slow drag, and blew it out even slower. “Gray was a spy. Years.” She took another drag. “He was beating his wife too. And his girlfriend. And his daughter.”

“Cunt,” Billy swore under his breath and took a drink then leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “You didn’t even flinch when you killed him. Thought you didn’t like guns.”

“I guess you get used to it after awhile. Hurting people.” She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye then shook her head. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not — I’m not like you. At least, not yet.”

“Addison.”

The use of her name startled her, and he turned to look at her. The lights of the city glittered in his dark eyes, his remorse was clear. 

She shook her head. “No harm, no foul. Besides,” her mouth quirked, “it was good practice.”

He tipped his beer bottle at that. “You have become quite a fighter. You split my lip.” He reached up to test the cut, pressing his finger there to see if it was still raw. 

“I am sorry,” she gave a conciliatory grimace. “Though you didn’t give me much choice.”

“I must admit I weren’t expectin’ that from you.”

She shrugged a little. “It was part of my deal. I asked for extra training and I worked hard. I had the ability, I just needed to — hone it. I - uh...” she stopped, looking over at him, he was watching her, listening carefully. 

She looked down again, picking at the label on her beer bottle. “Right before I took that bad job you picked me up on...a group of boys - well they were probably 17, 18...” She looked out at the city, images from that night playing in her head. “They were big...they jumped me in an alleyway and...I froze. They...somehow they knew what I was. And they wanted to brag they’d beat a supe to death.” She shook her head and took a breath. “They didn’t succeed at the death part, obviously. But...they got...close.” 

Addison met his gaze again and the depth of hurt and compassion she saw in his dark hazel eyes shocked her to her core. She locked it away somewhere deep inside then she finished her beer and reached for another cigarette. Never again.

“My dad used to beat me mum,” Butcher said quietly after a few minutes. “When I was a lad. I vowed to be a fighter. To learn all I could and never stop fighting.”

Addison sighed softly. “I’m so sorry.” She paused. “My father beat me with words instead of fists. Everyday. Anything he could think of to tear me down. I used to dream about the day I could kill him but someone else beat me to it.”

“I know the feeling.” He leaned back against the brick wall and finally accepted a cigarette from her. “You still have a bruise,” he gestured to her cheek.

She shrugged. “Yeah, that’s where you clocked me with that vase. It’ll be gone in another day.”

Butcher didn’t say anything more after that.

They sat until almost dawn. The moment the dark night sky began to lighten Addison stood. “I’m going to bed,” she sighed. “I hate sunrises. You can stay as long as you want.”

He stared at her then nodded wordlessly and let himself out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a kudos and a comment if you liked! Thank you!!!


	4. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was absolutely not planning on writing any type of fluff when I decided to write Billy Butcher but then this idea came to me when my husband was playing Christmas music in the other room and I...just couldn't resist. I can only hope it's still somehow in character :) Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Addison heard footsteps outside her door a moment before it opened. 

“Bar’s too bloody crowded,” Billy Butcher grumbled as he let himself into her little loft apartment. He gestured to the cupboard where she kept her alcohol and she nodded. 

Lately he’d made a kind of odd but sort of endearing habit of dropping in randomly and out of the blue whenever he pleased - but usually when either the bar was too crowded or he’d caused a fight. 

“And why are you listenin’ to this shite.” He stripped his heavy black coat off, tossing it over a chair and grabbed her good whiskey from the top shelf. 

Addison was sitting on her bed, curled up with the New York Times while ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ by Frank Sinatra was playing softly from her phone. 

“Billy,” she looked at him as he poured two drinks, giving a soft laugh. He lifted his brow at her.

Her eyes widened a little as she realized he wasn’t joking. “It’s Christmas Eve,” she said more than a little surprised he really had no idea. 

He looked out her balcony windows as if to check if she was telling the truth. “Is it?”

“Yes,” she chuckled. 

“Well, forgive me if I ain’t got much use for that kind of thing anymore.”

Addison bit her lip, it was sad but also she was warmly amused by his grumbling. She’d never had use for it before either, but she couldn’t help but let herself feel a little cheer this year. She had a place to sleep, food in the refrigerator and nobody harassing her for anything. And now it looked like she maybe had someone to spend the time with. 

He handed her the second glass then took a sip of his own. It worked like a magic potion. His shoulders immediately relaxed and she swore she could see stress evaporating from his skin. 

“Come on...” she jerked her head at him, beckoning him over as she scooted across her bed to the far side, leaving him plenty of room to join her. “Let’s watch a movie. Just sit and veg and pretend for a few hours that the world isn’t complete shit.”

He gave a her a doubtful look with his dark eyes but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Don’t you have any mates or some tosser to ring up for the night?”

“Nope,” she shook her head. “No friends, no time for tossers. Kick your boots off and get over here, Butcher.” She picked up the remote, quickly choosing a not-too-sappy Christmas movie to stream. “Anyway, you owe me.”

That struck up his ire but she smiled to herself as he started toeing out of his black boots. “Now wait just a bloody minute. I don’t owe you a fuckin’ thing, sunshine.”

She shrugged. “I did save your life.”

“That’s debatable,” he glared at her, “that bullet was nowhere near me head.”

“He was _aiming_ for your head,” she sighed, reiterating the argument they’d repeated at least five times since it happened. “He must’ve lowered his hand when he saw me.”

“Whatever you say, love...but, eh...seeing as you have a full bottle of me favorite whiskey...I supposed I can stay for awhile," he grumbled.

Addison smiled to herself as he sat on her wide bed, still looking quite doubtful and annoyed and she pressed play. As the movie buffered she picked up her phone to turn the music off and order food then tossed it aside. She took a slow sip of the whiskey herself, it was good, and settled back against her pillows.

Food came halfway through the movie, and it was still spread out across her bed while they picked at it when the movie finished, so she chose a more recent Christmas comedy with Seth Rogen to watch next, encouraged when Butcher didn’t object. Halfway through that movie she made a huge bowl of popcorn and poured them each their fourth glass of whiskey.

By the time the movie was nearing its end it was nearly 3am and she could hardly keep her eyes open from the food and the alcohol and the late hour and she felt herself drifting contentedly away.

****

The movie ended and Billy turned, surprised to find Addison sound asleep, slumped on the pillows behind her. They had been so contentedly quiet together he hadn’t realized when she drifted off.

Some of her long, messy white-gold hair had fallen into the popcorn bowl and he shook his head, but he couldn’t control the little blip of exasperated affection. He carefully lifted her hair from the bowl and set the popcorn aside.

Her expression was so relaxed, no lines of worry or stress, her skin smooth, her hair spread across the pillow. He couldn’t help himself. She looked beautiful. Like some kind of dark angel.

She was right. The quiet, simple night had lifted a weight off of him but still a part of him wished he had not stayed. Because he was beginning to not hate her and that was something that concerned him. The last thing he wanted to do was to care about someone else. 

He carefully reached across her to grab the remote and turn the tv off then slowly stood up from the bed but the motion was enough to wake her. Her dark grey eyes blinked open and she looked up at him sleepily.

“Oh Billy...” she murmured. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Her voice was so soft and quiet, like a mist able to sneak through some crack he must have somewhere in his cold, stone heart. 

“No worries, sunshine. Get some rest,” he said, straightening to leave.

“No...don’t go,” she murmured, waking a little more and reaching out to grab his hand. “Stay.”

Fuck. Of course he’d got his end away when he needed to but he hadn’t... _slept_ slept...with a woman since... 

Not like this. 

“Look -“

“Please stay,” she interrupted him with her soft misty voice. “It’s Christmas. Just sleep.” She patted the bed where he had been sitting. More than enough room for the two of them with more than enough space in between.

He sighed, knowing he must be glowering but she was too used to it and it didn’t affect her in the least. 

“It’s almost morning anyway,” she mumbled as her eyelids started to droop again. “Just stay... Christmas...” she trailed off.

He had a sneaking suspicion she would keep arguing until he gave in, and she really did look like she needed the sleep. 

He heaved another sigh, sitting back down on the bed. “You are the most bloody annoying person I have ever met in me life...” He reached down to grab the extra blanket at the end of her bed then laid down on his side pulling it over himself. To his even greater annoyance, now she was smiling even with her eyes closed and he grumbled to himself. 

None of it mattered though. Within the next five minutes they were both sound asleep as snow began to fall softly outside. 

*****

Addison woke to the sound of her loft door opening and she blinked in the bright morning light trying to get her bearings. Who could be...

She was finally able to blink the sleep away and focus on the door and found Billy Butcher walking in with two huge cups of coffee and a couple bags of food over his wrist. 

He gave her a sort of half smile when he met her gaze. “Merry Christmas,” he murmured, holding up the coffee and the food. 

“Merry Christmas. Mmmm that smells amazing.” Addison sat up in bed as Billy set the bags and coffee down on her table.

“I went to the bakery on the corner. Just grabbed a bit of everything.”

She stretched a little and climbed out of bed, still dressed in her leggings and t-shirt from the day before, as Billy started pulling bagels and pastries and breakfast sandwiches from the bags. 

“Mmm, thank you,” she murmured. “I’m starved.”

He chuckled a little and she couldn’t help the little curl of warmth in her belly. 

“Well the way I figure it, as long as I’m buying you food then I never have to say thank you, or sorry, for anything.”

Addison had already spread some cream cheese on a still warm bagel and was taking a bite before he finished his sentence so all she could say in reply was “mmmhmmm.”

She swore she could almost see a real smile, not one of those devious ones, a glimmer in his dark eyes as he watched her but then he turned away reaching for a bagel himself. But for one second she swore she saw his dimple. 

They ate quietly together until Addison couldn’t take another bite and he helped her clean up before he left. 

He nodded, in his way, as he left, and she listened to his footsteps head down the hallway then she fell back into bed. 

She wasn’t naïve enough to think this changed anything, that it meant anything at all, but still she cherished the quiet night she’d had with Billy Butcher and locked it up inside, safe forever. 


	5. Br(e)ak(e)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter for my birthday! Let me know what you think!

Addison paused as she approached her apartment door. Something was....

For a moment she stood in the hallway and listened but it was late and she was worn and she couldn’t quite focus on blocking out the city noise. She closed her eyes and finally discerned the sound of a drink being poured into a glass in her kitchen. It had been so long, but there was really only one person it could be.

“Butcher,” she said coming into her loft and closing the door behind her. She dropped her bag on the floor. “Long time no —”

He turned and then she saw his face was a mess, black and blue and swollen and bleeding. “What happened?” she asked, surprised. 

He let his gaze drift over her, down to her feet and up again. “Back from a job, I see.”

She had on tight black trousers and a black long sleeve, her hair pulled back into a severe ponytail. 

He took a drink, still looking at her. “Off anyone?” 

Addison sighed. “No, Butcher. Not today. What about you? Looks like whoever you tried to off fought back.”

She moved past the kitchen, heading for her bathroom as she unwrapped a bit of cloth from her forearm then stripped her long sleeved shirt off. “Let me just check my arm, then I can patch you up,” she called back to him but he followed her through her small apartment. 

“What happened to your arm?” He leaned against the door jam as she turned on the water and dampened the corner of a towel. 

“Machete...” she murmured. She lifted her arm, showing him the bloody cut on the inside of her forearm. The bleeding had mostly stopped and some of the blood on her skin had dried. She used the towel to clean her arm so she could see the wound better. 

“That’s a pretty nasty cut. I woulda killed the cunt that tried that on me.”

Addison shrugged. “They wanted him for questioning.” She looked closer. “It was at least an inch deeper and longer an hour ago,” she murmured. “And I think the bleeding’s stopped. I wonder...”

“You wonder what?”

Addison finished cleaning her arm then looked up at him. “I thought for sure I’d need a doctor. Maybe I’m losing it, but...I’m healing faster than I used to.” She stretched her fingers out, testing the movement then clenched her fist. Pain was gone already. “Hm.” She looked up at him. 

“Well that’s a bit strange, ain’t it?”

“Guess I’ll wrap it and see what happens.” She shook her head slightly and grabbed some gauze out of a drawer to quickly wrap her arm. This wasn’t really a conversation she wanted to be having with Butcher. She shouldn’t give him more reason to hate her and what she was. 

“Go sit,” she gestured toward the chair at her table, changing the subject. “Let me clean —” she looked at his face — “that up a little.”

He looked like he wanted to argue but he refrained for whatever reason and Addison was grateful. She pulled her full first aid kit from her cabinet and went out to the table, pulling the chair around to sit in front of him. 

“So what happened,” she asked softly as she started to clean the first of a few cuts on his face. 

“Bar fight. Bunch of cunts.”

“Hmm,” Addison hummed but she didn’t say anything else. She lifted one hand to press against his jaw as she dabbed at a cut on his cheek, then moved to the next. His beard tickled her palm, not as coarse as she thought it would be. 

After a moment though the silence seemed to get to him. “Get on with the inevitable lecture then,” he grumbled, his accent deepening in his impatience.

Addison paused to meet his gaze, dropping her hands to her lap. “What would I say?” she answered back. Turning to the table, she opened a little packet of antibacterial gel, and reached back up to dab a little on the bad cut on his temple. “I’m not going to try to fix you, Billy...” she opened a small butterfly bandage and applied it carefully over the cut, smoothing her fingers over the ends to make sure it was secure. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, love, you’re fixing me right now.”

“You know what I mean,” Addison shook her head, moving to the next spot of blood. “That’s not how…” she shrugged her shoulders, “...friendship should be, is it? I don’t think that works.” She set the cloth down and popped a cold pack then pressed it to the spot on his cheekbone where he had the most swelling, holding it there. “I’m not here to fix you. I can barely fix myself. I’m just...here.” She met his gaze again, holding his stare and in only a moment she felt overcome. His eyes were always so intense, dark and full of some emotion she could never name. It stirred something deep inside of her.

Addison swallowed. They were so close; she caught his scent, something masculine and spicy, and she could feel the warmth from his body.

She pulled away suddenly, offering him the cold pack but he refused and she turned away. “Maybe that’s what friends do,” she continued. “Not try to change each other, just be there. Equal. At least I consider you a friend. Even if I’m just an evil supe to you.”

His brow furrowed. “You’re not...it’s different. With you.”

“How is it different?”

He was silent for a moment before he answered. “Well, first of all I’m sure I could still take you out,” he gave his signature smirk and she laughed softly. 

“I might be getting stronger,” she countered. 

“Maybe one day, if you’re lucky, when I’m an old fuck, we’ll be equal in a fight.”

“Hmmm,” she smiled a little and set the cold pack aside while he took another drink. “We’re both getting enough practice in that arena. Maybe we’re equal because we’re both such bad people.”

“Not you.”

Addison had started putting everything away back in the med kit, and she glanced at him when he spoke. She must have had some kind of expression on her face because he quirked his eyebrow. 

_Honestly?_ “Well, I don’t think you are either, Billy Butcher. Books and covers and all that. You want some aspirin?” She changed the subject and picked up the little bottle form her kit and shook it. “I’m sure your head is throbbing.”

He took the bottle. “This expired 5 years ago, sunshine.”

She shrugged. “I’m sure it still works.”

“You takin’ any?”

She shook her head. “Painkillers have never worked for me. None of them.”

“Then none for us, eh?”

Addison looked at him a moment then took the bottle back. No use in arguing about that, then she turned to put all her medical supplies away. But one thought kept niggling at the back of her mind and she couldn’t shake it. “Why did you come here?”

“It were close by.” Butcher took a drink, looking away.

“Surely there’s some non-supe someone you know somewhere in the city?”

“Sick of those cunts. Why?” he asked, his patience seeming to wane. 

She sighed, setting the kit down again and turning back to him. “Because I haven’t seen or heard from you since Christmas. It’s been almost seven months, Butcher. I called. I -“ She stopped, shaking her head. “I want to know why. I want you to say it.”

“Say what?”

She stared at him. “That you won’t forgive me for what I am. For something I have no control over.”

“It’s not like that. Look...don’t get out of line and we have no problem, yeah?” 

She was quiet for a long moment, finally getting up to take the kit back to the bathroom. She didn’t know what to think. Sometimes she did believe him...but in the back of her mind she wondered if there wasn’t some part of him that would always be weary of her and that just made her abysmally sad. 

When she came back in the room though he looked comfortable as could be. Even if he did stay away for so long, he was here now, wasn’t he?

“Fine.” She grabbed her sweater from the middle of her bed, pulling it over her tank top. “I always stay up after a bad job. Get the bottle and c’mon. We’re drinking the rest of the night.”

She opened the sliding door to the balcony and turned the lights off inside so they could sit in the dark. He followed with the bottle of whisky and an extra glass. They sat for a long time unspeaking. 

“So no painkillers, eh? Not even for a headache?” Billy finally broke the silence. 

Addison shook her head. “No. Never.” She paused, taking a sip of alcohol, letting it soothe her. “I didn’t really realize until I was about 8. I had surgery. Appendix. Thank God the anesthesia worked but when I woke up...the pain...” she shook her head. “I cried and cried. My father yelled at me for being so weak and such a pain in the ass and I made myself stop. My mother took my pain pills. She made me swear to not tell the doctor and called him for more. I try again every once in a while. Take an aspirin just to see, but it never works. Some supe, huh?” 

“Tougher than any of the Seven. If Homelander so much as stubbed his toe and suddenly felt it I’m sure he’d be on the floor blubbering like a baby.” 

Addison chuckled. “Maybe.”

“I guarantee it.”

She dared to look over at him and she could just barely see his face in the dim light from the glow of the city. She thought she could see his dimple, and she smiled to herself. 

“Don’t be such a stranger, Billy,” she murmured into the darkness.

He was quiet for a few moments. “I’ll try.”

She could only take him at his word, and she knew that. Even so there was something comforting in that. He would try, and she knew he would. She couldn’t ask for anything more, really, and she could appreciate that. 

****

They sat in comfortable quiet for a long time, drinking a little, a cigarette here and there. The sounds of the city at night were peaceful in a sort of chaotic way, in the way that some things never change. 

This time Billy noticed when she fell asleep, curled up in the over sized chair in the corner, her head tilted to the side against the cushion. He carefully plucked the glass out of her hand and set it aside, then sat back down and finished his own drink. 

As it became early morning, a chill came to the air and he glanced over at Addison again. He thought of picking her up to carry her inside but that thought tugged on his heart like no other had in a long time. He knew if he carried her to her bed he wouldn’t be leaving. And if that happened...he knew he would regret inevitably hurting her for the rest of his life. So he didn’t. 

Instead he went inside and took the blanket from the bed, carefully tucking it around her. She didn’t stir at all, sound asleep and as he left he told himself he knew for sure he was making the right decision.

  
  



	6. Dash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place season 1, episode 3

The sun was bright in the calm sky, a stark contrast to the man standing on the pavement below. 

Butcher had to squint his eyes, glancing toward the building, while he waited outside for MM to square away leaving his job. When he finally came out through the doors he was glaring still but Billy knew his old friend had the same drive he had to take down Vought and all their supe cunts. 

“Two hours and the next guy will be here. Then I’m all yours. What’s the plan?” MM crossed his arms, leveling his stare at Billy. 

“Don’t you worry.” Butcher clapped MM on the shoulder. “My lead is guaranteed to bring us closer to taking down Vought.” Billy paused, checking his watch and ignoring MM’s doubtful glare. “Two hours is perfect. A-Train is up to something and I have a feeling it’s massive. Word is that Popclaw knows A-Train inside and out. She’s our target, and a soft one at that. We can set up surveillance and have what we need in a jiffy. I’ll text you the address. I just have one more thing to do and I’ll get us set up, eh?”

There was just one more person Billy wanted to see first. Solely to confirm his suspicions. Yes...no other reason at all. 

MM was quiet for a moment. “You’d better not be wrong Butcher.”

“Oi,” Butcher grinned. “When have I ever been wrong?”

***

The cell phone in Addison’s pocket buzzed and she stepped aside on the busy Manhattan sidewalk to pull it out. Her stomach did a little flip when she checked the screen and saw who was calling. 

“Butcher,” she answered, pressing her phone to her ear. 

“Aye, Addi,” his deep, accented voice replied. She would know it anywhere. “Can we meet up? Where are you?”

“Midtown, unfortunately. Are you at my place?”

“Nah, thought I’d call this time.”

Addison smiled to herself. “That’s a lucky first.”

“Just had a hunch. Meet me at the diner at 44th and 8th, eh?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Caught you on a security recording. I’ll explain in person.”

She laughed softly at the teasing in his voice. “Sounds ominous...”

“It usually is. See ya in 10.”

***

Addison found the diner quickly and ordered a turkey sandwich at the counter then picked a seat by the window. The lights inside were dim, and it was dark with the tall city buildings blocking the sun, but comfortable. Billy came in a minute later and ordered a coffee.

“Couldn’t wait to eat, eh?” he teased her. 

“I’m starved. I’ve been running around all day.” She took a big bite of her sandwich then licked a tiny bit of mustard from the corner of her mouth. 

“How’s the nosh?”

Honestly, the bread was a bit stale and the turkey didn’t have much flavor, but it was food. “Eh,” she answered then took another huge bite. Butcher chuckled and sipped his black coffee. The sounds of the city outside the glass window filled the space when they weren’t talking, comfortable, as if they did this every day. 

Addison took another bite before she spoke again. “So what recording did you see me on?”

Billy’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Down at the Supe club. I were lookin’ for A-Train and saw you in the background. Lookin’ for information.” He sipped his coffee, looking out the window for a moment. “Helpin’ out a kid who lost his girl.”

“Lost?” She took a bite of the pickle spear that came with her sandwich, lifting an eyebrow at Butcher. 

“A-train killed her. Ran right through the poor bird. Obliterated her.”

“Jesus,” Addison shook her head. 

“Diabolical,” he agreed. 

“Yeah I’ve seen A-Train around...” She stopped and gave Butcher a look. “You’re...helping this kid...or using him?”

“Eh,” Billy shrugged. “Potato - potahto.”

Addison quirked her lips. “How much trouble are you going to get in this time?”

He shrugged a little, glancing around, then back to her. “Well if I’m being honest... maybe a lot. But that’s how I like it. So what do ya know ‘bout A-Train?”

“He hangs out with his friends...” Addison paused, searching her memories. “He never hooks up with anyone, never leaves with a girl, doesn’t stay unusually late.” She took a drink of iced tea, sifting through memories. “I’ve heard him mention Popclaw once or twice...”

Billy nodded, smiling. “That’s what I were hoping you’d say. Already told MM I had a solid lead but I wanted to check with you before I shelled out the extra dosh. Thank fuck that you’re into that club, Addi.”

“I mean - I don’t go often,” she rolled her eyes, “but every once in awhile. Lay low and keep tabs on people.”

“Is that why you go then? Don’t get up to anything else, eh? Look, I wouldn’t judge...” he held up his hands. 

“Get up to anything? Billy Butcher are you trying to ask if I have sex on the ceiling?” She teased him, grinning as she finished eating, pushing her plate aside. 

“Like I said, no judgement...” he smirked back. 

“No,” she laughed. “Definitely not into exhibitionism. I just go for work. And good alcohol.”

“Too bad. Looks like it could be interestin’.”

“You wanting to try it sometime?” she glanced at him. 

“Why? You offerin’?” He looked up as if checking how much room they had in the diner.

Damn his cheeky smirk and that dimple. Her stomach fluttered at the teasing look in his eyes but she would not entertain it. She shook her head but she couldn’t help laughing. “Sorry, I don’t fly.”

“Well that’s a shame, ain’t it.”

“It is. Just comfy big beds and tabletops for me,” she sighed theatrically. 

“Is that so?”

When she met his gaze suddenly she couldn’t tell anymore if they were still joking and her heart skipped a beat and she’d never been more relieved he couldn’t hear hers. She swore she could see a new flame lighting in his dark eyes though and her breath caught. Then she realized he was waiting for an answer and she opened her mouth though she had no idea what she was going to say.... She cleared her throat and changed the subject. 

“So, back with MM...how’d you manage that?”

Butcher grinned. “I walked in, I sat down and talked to him. Bloke to bloke. I was just my charming self, and he jumped at the chance to work with me again.”

“Mmhm...”

When Butcher caught her gaze again she cursed herself for being such a sucker for that dimple. Suddenly his phone buzzed and it shattered the moment. 

Addison couldn’t help herself and breathed a sigh of relief while he answered. It took all the will power she owned not to listen in on his conversation. 

“Gotta go,” he murmured when he hung up. Was there regret in his voice? She wouldn’t let herself think about it, so she just nodded. 

“You workin’ tonight?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Always something. No rest for the weary.”

He nodded his head once and stood up to leave.

“Butcher - be careful.”

“Talk to ya soon, sunshine, eh?” And then he was gone again. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you are liking the story! Love and light!


	7. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place right before the beginning of episode 6 (season 1)!

Butcher reached for her door, turning the handle slowly then opening it just the same. This was not the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, but still...not one part of him wanted to be doing it. The alternative was unacceptable though. And that was the thing that kept everything else from this fucked up week out of his mind - the cult festival, Becca’s headstone, laser-eyed babies - everything.

The apartment was quite dark. All the lights were out except for the light over the stove in the kitchen. Then he noticed there was light spilling from the bathroom. For half a second he wondered if she was even here but then he heard the sound of water running -- the shower. 

He would ask himself over and over again in the days to come, late at night when he was alone...why? Why had he done that? He didn’t know. But for some reason he found himself stepping across her common space, moving next to the bed then turning to look in the bathroom. 

The door was halfway open and Addison was in the shower. The glass shower door was foggy from the steam but not completely. Butcher could clearly see the outline of her body, curves in all the right places, smooth, soft skin. She was humming and...moving a little with the sound, some favorite song playing in her head. 

She was mesmerizing. He took a breath and meant to close his eyes but didn’t. The feeling that was just beginning to well up inside of him was not something he could give any thought to - even as much as he wanted to forget every single fucking other thing and imagine her seeing him, asking him into the shower, sliding into his arms...

_No. V._

Billy turned and went back into the kitchen, pulling down the whiskey from the top cupboard and a glass without a second thought. He poured the drink for himself before he realized it was a new bottle. She always had it. For him. Fuck.

Addison wasn’t going to take this news well. He poured more alcohol into his glass then leaned against the counter drinking in the dark.

The shower turned off and he heard the shower door open. He tried not to think about what she looked liked now, stepping out, drops of water running over -

“Billy?” she called out, breaking him from his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” he answered gruffly. “It’s me.”

“I’ll be right out.”

She came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, all wrapped up in a robe, her hair in a knot on the top of her head. 

“What’s up?” she asked coming into the kitchen and smiling at him as she reached for a mug of tea that been steeping on the counter. 

The cheer in her voice was like a knife to his heart. He didn’t hear it often enough as it was and now he was here to take it away. He shook his head but there was no use in delaying. 

“I’ve got to talk to you. About something. About...supes.”

******

Addison set her mug down and turned to face him fully. There was so much turmoil in his dark eyes she felt everything inside of her turn to stone. 

“What about supes?” Something was wrong. Really wrong, but she had no idea what it could be. 

“We uncovered something big. It’s — We found a...a drug. A drug made by Vought. It’s called Compound V and it’s what they use...to make supes.”

Addison blinked and it felt like her heart dropped to her toes. “ _Make supes_? What do you mean ‘make’? Billy...”

“They use it on babies. Inject it in the hospital. I saw meself.” He rubbed his hand over his jaw. “And then the babies grow up to be supes.”

“Are you saying...” Addison suddenly felt like there was a band of iron around her chest. She couldn’t breathe and she fell back to lean against the counter. “They...do the parents know?”

Billy looked down for a moment before he met her gaze again. “Vought likely pays them to experiment, along with the promise of a supe powered kid.”

Her eyes started to sting before she could even think to steel herself against the tide of emotions that was swelling and rising inside of her. “So my parents...made a deal...with a corporation...to inject me with some experimental mutagenic drug, for money. As a baby. And I’m what they got. I can hear the most mundane of stupid conversations from a mile away.”

“Addison...”

She couldn’t think, her heart was racing and she could feel the panic filling her veins. For one moment should could hear every single sound in the city and if felt like her head was going to explode and then she couldn’t hear anything at all. “They were paid to _mutate_ me. As a baby. With the most advanced drug from the most successful corporation in history.” She pressed her hand to her forehead. “And this is the result they got? Just failure?” She gestured to herself.

“It’s not your fault,” he said quietly. 

Addison shook her head, she felt so angry and desperately sad. “My mother would’ve wanted the money. I’m sure it was a lot. And my father hated me. He hated me because he didn’t get the product he was promised. It all makes sense now,” she screwed her eyes shut wishing she could just somehow block out everything. 

Though she tried to fight it, she couldn’t help the tear that finally spilled and rolled down her cheek and she turned away from Billy, pressing her hands to her face. 

“God, Billy. I’m just...nothing. I’m a failed lab experiment. I’m a mistake.” Then another tear came, and another. “Fuck,” she growled, wiping them away with the heal of her hand. “I’m sorry...” she shook her head again.

He slid his hand over her shoulder, making her turn back toward him him then he brushed the tears from her cheek with his thumb. “That ain’t true,” he said, voice gruff. 

“Then what is true? What’s true?”

“I don’t know.” 

She couldn’t think. She felt lost, like she was trapped in a rowboat on the sea in the middle of a storm. And here was Billy, but what did he really think? She dared to look up at him again, but she couldn’t read his dark eyes, they were stormier than any hurricane, but there was that new flame in there too. The one that was terrifying and so wonderful at the same time. 

She heard his heart thud.

“Billy...” She hadn’t meant to say it out loud but there it was, a broken whisper, a plea for a lifeline in this mess.

His hand was smoothing over her cheek now and she couldn’t break away from his gaze. What would it be like to just be held? To feel completely safe and protected. Just once. 

Addison leaned closer at the same time Billy did. Closer. His gaze fell to her mouth, then back up. She felt like she was drowning and being set aflame at the same time. For one wild moment, the only thing in the world she wanted was to get completely lost in Billy Butcher and forget everything else forever. 

And then he was so close she could feel his exhaled breath on her lips and her eyes fluttered closed. His mouth brushed against hers and _oh_ it was _so so warm_ and _so soft_ and promising. It was the sweetest thing she’d ever experienced. Could this really be Billy Butcher? She was desperate for it, reaching for it... 

Then...nothing. 

He was still right there, but he was gone. 

Her eyes flew open when she sensed him pulling back away from her. For a moment they locked eyes, frozen in the moment. 

“I can’t...” He turned away. He looked physically pained to say those words but all Addison could feel was the unbearable sting of flat rejection. 

“You - can’t...” Addison murmured brokenly. His eyes were full of anguish but she couldn’t process it. She felt like ice water had been injected into her veins. She had to wrap her arms around herself as if she was actually cold. All she could think was that she was a failure. A supe, and a failed one at that. How could she ever think she could be anything else to him. She was nothing. “You can’t because of me. Because of what I am.”

“Addison.”

“I’m sub-human to you. Just admit it. I’m just the leftover garbage.”

Fuck, she wouldn’t cry anymore. 

“I never said that,” he pointed his finger at her, his voice rising. “Don’t put words in me mouth.”

“You’ve said it 100 times,” she raised her voice to match his as she felt her eyes fill with tears. “In a hundred different ways. I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m here for you Addison. I came here to tell you. So you didn’t have to hear it from fuckin’ Facebook or worse. So you didn’t have to find out alone. I came here for you.”

“I’ve never asked you to come here.”

His eyes lit with that other fire she knew, the kind she was used to. “You’ve asked 100 times,” he countered. “With that puppy dog look in your eyes like you want to follow me home every night.”

“Fuck you, Butcher. Fuck you. Get the fuck out.” 

“Addi.” He huffed, squeezing his eyes shut, clearly regretting what he had said but she ignored it. 

“Get out!” She threw the glass he’d been drinking from across the room and it shattered, whiskey running down her wall. She turned away from him. She would not cry again. Not over him. Not ever over Billy fucking Butcher. 

She could feel his stare on her but she wouldn’t have it, she couldn’t do it. Finally she heard the door slam shut.

For the first time ever, she locked the door behind him. 

****

They sat on the bench at the park, Butcher and Hughie. The only thing Butcher felt was rage but he couldn’t think about why, he couldn’t think about what it really was, he couldn’t face it. All he could do was tell Hughie. Tell him what happened. The same story he’d repeated over and over. It was his mantra. His mission. His reason. He couldn’t allow himself anything else except this. Violence and revenge. 

“You and me,” Butcher said to Hughie. “We’re in this together.” He turned to look at Hughie on the park bench, his voice heavy. “For Robin... and Becca. That is why you can’t allow yourself to be distracted by another bird. Especially not a supe.” 

Butcher could not allow himself to be distracted by her, even though Becca was gone, not ever again. 

*****

When the news finally broke, Addison watched the report on tv with everyone else, and alone in her apartment, she cried like she never had before.


	8. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during season 2, episode 5

Addison pulled a twenty out of her pocket and tossed it on the counter of the empty corner store down the street and over one from her place. “Keep the change,” she mumbled, turning to leave. The fluorescent lights overhead were unnaturally stark and a few were flickering. She was starting to get a headache. 

Walking out of the propped open glass door, she slid the cigarettes into the pocket of her jacket, holding the six pack of cheap beer with her fingers looped through the plastic rings. Though she didn’t feel any joy she laughed to herself. A hundred million in the bank from her dead father and she was still buying PBR at the quick mart. Except for taking one of the apartments her father owned, she hadn’t touched a penny of his money. She couldn’t. Not yet. 

Thoughts of her father just took her further down into gloom. It was late, and dark, the pavement still damp from the afternoon rainstorm. She was silent as she walked, turning down a narrow walkway between buildings to cut across to the next street. 

A sound from the end of the alley caught her attention though right away and she stopped, looking up sharply. Someone was breathing hard, off... It was nearly pitch black but she thought she could make out the silhouette of a figure slumped on the ground against the brick wall ahead. 

She listened closer - their heartbeat was erratic. From pain, or adrenaline, or both.

Addison walked towards the figure, listening carefully, cautious. If someone was hurt she wouldn’t leave them out here to suffer. 

“Hello?” she murmured as she approached. The man groaned, turning stiffly to glance up at her. The light from the street illuminated her face enough he could see her but she couldn’t see him. Then he spoke. 

“Bloody hell...”

His voice was gruff and strained but she knew it immediately. “Butcher?”

She fell to her knees on the ground next to him, dropping her beer and reaching out to cup his face. It was bad, one side completely swollen and the other covered in blood. 

“Jesus Christ, Butcher. What the fuck happened?”

“Fight...” he groaned and with the way he was breathing she knew his ribs were at least bruised. He was probably covered in bruises. 

“Fight...for a job?” She tilted his head a little to catch the light and get a better look then bit her lip and winced at what she saw. 

He shook his head once. His skin was cold to the touch. 

“How long have you been out here? For fuck’s sake Butcher. C’mon.” 

She slid her arm around his back but he shook his head again. “You don’t -“ he tried to say roughly but she didn’t flinch, interrupting him. 

“You cannot stay out here like this Butcher. I’ve never seen you like this -“ She swallowed, then pulled his arm around her shoulder. “Can you walk? I need your help.”

He groaned again but he gathered his strength to help her pull himself to his feet. 

“Ya don’t have to do this Addi,” he managed to grumble. 

“I’m not just leaving you on the street, Billy. Not like this. And not with your face plastered all over the news. I would never...”

She glanced at him and he seemed to acquiesce so she let it drop as well. He mostly regained his footing after a few steps and they made it up into her loft, albeit slowly, but still more or less in one piece. 

She helped him sit on her bed, leaning back against the headboard then went to get a towel and a bowl of water. 

The way he slumped there made her heart sink. She had never seen him this badly beaten, although she was sure this wasn’t the first time, but she could tell he was absolutely defeated as well. And she had never seen that either. If only...if only she hadn’t been so awful when he’d come to tell her about V, maybe he wouldn’t be in the situation he seemed to be in now. 

Walking back over to him, she set the bowl of water on her nightstand and sat next to him on the edge of the bed. 

“What happened?” she murmured, sighing when he finally met her gaze. 

“Felt like a good brawl. Can’t let ourselves get rusty, eh?” 

Addison huffed. “I’m not even going to validate that with a reply.”

“No worries, love. I’ve had worse.”

Addison gave him a look then sighed again, soaked the corner of the towel in the warm water and started to dab at his face. 

He gave his own soft sigh as she gently worked at cleaning him up and it made her heart flutter but there was still so much darkness around them both it was hard to enjoy. 

Addison dipped the towel in the water then paused and looked up at him again. He lifted his head to look at her. His eyes were as dark as night. 

“Did you do it?” she asked, so quiet it was almost a whisper. 

Butcher shook his head. “I wanted to. But I didn’t. Homelander killed her before I could.”

“Fuck, Billy.” She let out a breath then went back to cleaning the blood from his face, careful of the cuts and bruises, then dabbing gently at his split lip. 

For a few moments they were both quiet and it startled her when he spoke again. 

“Why would you help me?”

Her hand fell as she stared at him. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’m not much worth the bother, am I? I ain’t a good person, sunshine.”

“Billy...” Addison looked away for a moment trying to gather her thoughts before she turned back to him. “I know what you have inside of you, Billy.” She squeezed her hands together in her lap, shaking her head. “I can hear your heart. I know what it is. How many hours have I spent sitting on my balcony listening to your heart beat during the past 4 years? Maybe that sounds stupid, but I know what I can feel.”

“I’m not who you want me to be. I’m not who you think I am, Addison.”

She looked him straight in the eye, he wouldn’t intimidate her into agreeing with him, into giving up on him. “You are. I do know who you are. And I believe in you.”

When he didn’t say anything else, she stood to go get her med kit from the bathroom but he caught her hand to stop her. 

“Addison. I need to talk to ya.”

She sat down on the edge of the bed again. 

“I came to talk to you tonight. But then I ended up at the bar instead. The last time I were here...I didn’t leave — I didn’t leave because you’re a supe, Addison. I know what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. But you’ve been there for me. You’re — my friend. I don’t think of anything else when I’m with you. You’re just you.”

Addison searched his dark eyes as fruitlessly as she always did. “Then why did you leave?” 

Butcher scrubbed his hand over his jaw. She couldn’t help but notice his knuckles were bloody as well. “It was...it was because of Becca. I got a lot to tell you.”

Addison nodded once, silently, frozen. She didn’t even know what to feel but she wished everything in the world was different than it was. 

“The day...the day before I came,” he continued, “before we uncovered they were using V, I had found out that Becca’s family had a funeral for her. They didn’t tell me. I went to the fuckin’ graveyard and smashed the headstone. It was after I left that I finally accepted she was actually gone. I never had before.”

“I’m so sorry Billy,” Addison murmured. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I acted. I was scared and...” She shook her head, looking down at her hands. 

“I’m sorry for what I said, Addi. I didn’t mean it. Not at all.”

“I should never have...”

“There’s more,” he interrupted, then waited for her to meet his gaze again. “Becca is alive.”

“Oh my God...” Addison’s heart swooped with the unexpected news. She held her hand to her mouth, shocked, her mind going blank. “Billy, that’s amazing.”

“Vought’s got her locked away, hidden. She...couldn’t tell me. But I’ve found her.”

“Did you see her? Billy, that’s...that’s...incredible.” She reached for his hand squeezing it tight and he searched her eyes as if he didn’t quite believe her, but she was completely sure, no one deserved this more than Butcher did. 

He nodded. “I saw her. But she has a son now... Homelander’s son. It’s - it’s not gone well.”

_ Holy fuck.  _ Addison swallowed, letting go of his hand. “If there is anything I can do to help, anything at all, Billy, please just ask.”

“I wouldn’t put you through that.”

“Really Billy, this is...“

“Addison.” 

She stopped and looked at him. 

“You have to know. You are not a failed lab experiment. You’re...you’re a top person. And you deserve everything. Much more than me as your only friend.”

Her lips quirked. “We play the cards we’re dealt, yeah?” 

He looked away. “I ‘spose we do. Look. Addison. I have to go. Go away...for awhile. I didn’t want to leave without talking to you. Not with how we left it.”

Her heart stuttered. “What do you mean? Go where? Billy, let me help you. You’re still bleeding,” she gestured at his cheek. 

“Look at me. I’m past help.”

She felt that panic bubbling up inside. What was he saying? “No. Please stay. Stay here. I mean to rest and recover. At least....sit for awhile, let me get the kit —“

“I can’t,” he stood up, steadier now. “I won’t let you waste anymore time on me.”

She didn’t know what else to say and she knew she couldn’t possibly understand what he was going through. She wanted to say his name, she wanted to beg him to stay and tell him how much he meant to her but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. “Billy. Please just know...I - I am sorry.” 

He looked down and took a breath. 

“Me too, Addi. Thank you.” And then he was gone. 

It took everything in her to not break down at the thought that she might not ever see him again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Please review!


	9. Death

The vibration of her phone buzzing startled Addison out of her aimless, dreary thoughts. She pulled her cell out of her back pocket, but the number was random so she dismissed it. If it was important they’d leave a message. A second later it vibrated again in her hand and she held it up, surprised to find it ringing again, the same number, instead of a voicemail. 

She thumbed the slider and held it up to her ear. “Hello?”

“Addi...”

That gruff, gravelly, low, wonderful voice. 

Addison stopped dead cold on the sidewalk; the person behind her almost ran into her. “Oh sorry, she mumbled, stepping out of the way. 

“Butcher?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Oh my God— Billy...I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. What...” Her heart was racing, and she tried not to let him hear that her breath had caught but then he was talking again. 

“I need a place to lay low for the night. I — well I’ve got someone with me.” He paused. “I’ll explain when I see you, but, are you home?”

“I’m —“ Addison shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts and make sense of what was happening. She couldn’t place the sentiment in his voice, but it didn’t sound good. Knowing Billy Butcher was a whirlwind of emotion. “I was just heading out but I can go back. It’s not important. I’ll be home in 5.” 

“Aye.” Then he hung up the phone. 

Addison raced back home to her loft and paced her floor until a knock finally sounded on her door. Two different heart beats. Butcher and...

She hurried to open the door. Butcher and a little boy.

“H-hi...” she stammered. _What in the hell..._

“This is Ryan,’ Butcher said without preamble. “Ryan, this is my friend Addison. It’s safe here.”

Addison searched Billy’s face for any indication of what the fuck was going on but as usual she couldn’t decipher a thing except they both looked like they’d just been through hell. 

“Hi Ryan, I’m glad to meet you. Come in...” Addison tried to talk in what she hoped was a reassuring voice, but she really had no fucking idea what to do. She stepped out of the way, giving a Billy a look as he passed, but he gave no indication. 

“Are you hungry, Ryan? Or...” she trailed off realizing literally the only thing she had to drink was beer or whiskey, but Ryan shook his head silently. 

“Can you hang out for a mo’ while I talk to Addison?” Billy interrupted, finally speaking up.

“Here you go.” Addison turned a chair from the table to face the tv and grabbed the remote for Ryan, turning it on, and clicking on Vought+. There had to be some kids movie he knew. “We’ll just be out on the balcony for a minute, okay?”

Addison followed Billy to the balcony together and shut the glass door behind her before she turned to him. 

“What the fuck is going on?” She looked at him with wide eyes. “Billy...” she shook her head as if that would somehow reset this bizarre reality she had found herself in, “I don’t think you should be around children...”

He grunted. “No kidding, eh...”

Something was off, seriously wrong, and Addison couldn’t shake the feeling of clawing unease. After a second she realized his heartbeat was unusually erratic and that was likely what she was sensing most of all. “Billy...”

His head dropped and pain just radiated from his entire being as if he was opening a flood gate of despair inside. “It’s Becca’s boy. She...she’s...”

“Oh my God.” Addison’s hand flew up to cover her mouth and she felt her eyes sting with desperate regret. _It couldn’t be possible. It couldn’t be. How could the world be so cruel to one man?_ “I’m so sorry Billy. I’m sorry...” 

When he looked up at her and his eyes were glistening she almost lost it. But he had come here. For her. To lean on her her. With a little boy who had just lost his mother. 

In a broken, gruff voice he told her what had happened and Addison swore she could feel her heart ripping in two for him. 

“Fuck, Billy. How can this keep happening to you?” She didn’t mean to say it out loud but there it was. He turned away, looking out over the city before he turned back to her. 

“I don’t want to take him to the place I’ve been staying at...”

“No, of course. Of course he can stay here, Billy. Whatever you guys need.”

“You would do that? For...”

 _For him? For Becca?_ She wasn’t sure what he was going to say next but it didn’t matter. 

“Yes Billy. Yes. A million times over.”

He nodded and then he turned to look out over the city again. The sun was setting, glinting red and orange and pink off a myriad of skyscrapers. Harsh and beautiful at the same time. 

“What do you need?” she asked after giving him a moment. “What’s the plan?” 

“Mallory is taking him tomorrow. Somewhere safe, away. Maybe I should get him a few things for tonight...l don’t know. I promised...” His voice cracked and he fell silent, but Addison knew what he must mean. She nodded, sure Billy needed time to himself more than anything. “That’s a good idea. Go pick up some things and I’ll stay here with Ryan. Toothbrush, pajamas and something to eat, juice. I have nothing.”

He nodded again, turning to go inside but he paused before he opened the door and turned back to look at her. “Addison. Thank you.”

They came back in the loft quietly and Ryan looked up at them with wide eyes.

“Hey, Ryan...” Butcher started. “It’ll be alright if we stay here for the night, yeah? Addi here is a good friend and it’s safe here.”

“Are you leaving?” he asked Butcher in the smallest voice.

The pain in Butcher’s eyes was nearly unbearable and Addison knew he was trying to so hard to be stoic. “He’s just going to the store to pick up a few things, then he’ll be right back, okay?”

Ryan looked from Butcher to Addi then back to Butcher again. “I promise I’ll be back soon, I’ll get some dinner and...stuff.”

Ryan finally nodded and Addison gave him a soft smile. Butcher went to the door, giving Addison a pointed look and she nodded, locking the door behind him after he left. 

She moved quietly, going back to the table and sitting down. “Do you want to talk, Ryan? I am so sorry for what happened to you.”

Ryan shook his head but then spoke after a moment. “What’s going to happen to me?”

Addison swallowed. _Fuck_. She’d had a really rotten childhood but she had always known where she was going to lay her head at night. She tried to give Ryan the most reassuring expression she could conjure.

“Billy knows some really good people. They will keep you safe and make sure you have everything you need, and make sure you’re with people that can take care of you.”

“But not with him.”

“Not with Billy, no,” Addison shook her head gently. “Right now his work is very important and it’s also very dangerous. He doesn’t have a safe, happy place for you to live.”

Ryan nodded, looking down at the table. She could see he was thinking, but he didn’t ask anything else. 

“Let’s watch a movie until he gets back, okay?”

***

Butcher came back an hour later, knocking softly on the door and waiting for Addison to recognize it was him and unlock it. 

He had two bags and set them on the table. He tried to give Ryan what Addison assumed was meant to be a sort of smile but it didn’t really come off right. 

“Thank you for going to the store, Billy,” Addison broke the silence. All she could think was that when she was scared as a child, when her father was yelling at her and her mother was high on painkillers, all she wanted was to feel something absolutely benign and normal like one of those families on tv. 

“What do we have?” she started pulling items out of the paper bags - bananas, cereal, milk... “Mac & cheese?”

“Can you cook?” Butcher asked with his voice full of doubt.

Addison rolled her eyes. “Yes of course I can cook.” But Billy still had an eyebrow raised so Addison smiled at Ryan. “Well, I mean, I’m pretty sure I can at least cook mac & cheese.”

“We’ll see, eh?” Billy teased, crossing his arms. 

“Mac & cheese sound okay, Ryan? If I can prove Billy wrong and manage not to ruin it?” Addison asked as she put the milk and juice in the refrigerator. He nodded quietly, but at least his expression lightened a little. 

She set to work, cooking in the kitchen while the movie continued to play. Butcher stood at the counter, trying not to look like he was dying inside, she knew, so she gave him little tasks grabbing things for her to help. 

“See, piece of cake,” Addison exclaimed as she finished stirring, dishing into three bowls. She knew this wouldn’t fix anything but at least maybe Billy and Ryan could have a moment to breathe. 

When they were done eating, Billy stood up to help Addison clean up the dishes. It was quite late when they finished, so Addison gave Ryan the toothbrush and pajamas and sent him to the bathroom. Billy drifted outside wordlessly and Addison chewed on her lip as she watched him. 

A few minutes later Ryan came out of the bathroom in pajamas and Addison stood, giving him a soft smile. 

“Where’s...Billy?” He asked looking around cautiously. 

“He’s just on the balcony. He won’t leave. He just needed some fresh air.”

“He hates me. I saw —“ Ryan didn’t finish his sentence, his head dropping. 

“No, no Ryan.” Addison reached out to put her arm around his slim shoulders and guided him to sit on the bed while she sat next to him. 

“Billy doesn’t hate you. I promise. I know because I used to think the same thing.”

Ryan looked up and her and she gave a little smile but he looked so worried. 

“But I — I killed —”

His little voice broke and she wrapped her arm tighter around him.

“It was an accident Ryan. It’s not your fault. Stormfront was evil. She was the bad guy. Not you, okay? And your mom knew that. I promise she knew how much you loved her. And Billy knows it was an accident too. He loves your mom so much and he knows you do too. You’ll both have that forever.” She was careful not to mention his father.

Tears started to slip down his cheeks and Addison held him close to her side while he tried to hide it. “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay.”

They sat for a few moments until Ryan quieted again. She felt so bad for him, he was trying so hard to be hold himself together. She remembered the feeling well. “Why don’t you get comfortable,” Addison said, standing up and pulling the comforter back for him to climb under. I’m just going to talk to Billy for a minute and I’ll be back in. I’ll sit here with you so you won’t be alone.” 

He nodded his head and Addison waited for him to get situated before going out to the balcony.

Billy was leaning against the railing, looking out over the night skyline. He looked so lost. She slid her hand over his shoulder, just to let him know she was there and he turned to look at her, his eyes so dark and full of storming emotion. 

“Addison —“ His voice broke as he tried to speak her name. She didn’t know anything else to do so she curled her arms around him, pulling him to her and just holding him as close as she could. He leaned into her embrace even more, sliding his arms around her waist and holding on tight. Addison wished should could do something, anything more but she would stand here holding him as long as he needed. “I’m so sorry, Billy,” she murmured against his shoulder. 

She felt him press closer against her still, as if she was physically keeping him from breaking apart. She could feel his heat and all she could think was that she wanted to wrap herself around him and protect that flame he had inside forever. They stood there just holding on to each other until he seemed to regain a little of himself and straightened and pulled away. “Thank you,” he rasped. 

She grasped his hand and stood with him looking out over the city until he was ready to speak again. “Is Ryan...?” he started.

Addison nodded. “He’s settled.” She paused and turned toward Billy, searching his dark hazel eyes. “Talk to him, Butcher. He needs you.”

The absolute heartbreak in Billy’s expression tore her apart inside all over again but she held it all back, trying with everything to give him the most supportive, encouraging energy she could. 

Somehow, someway, it seemed to work and Billy finally nodded. Addison stayed out on the balcony as Billy went inside and she focused on the heartbeat of the city. 

Eventually, she sensed Billy again and she turned to look at him through the glass. Ryan was lying down but she could tell he wasn’t asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t sleep at all but at least he could be comfortable and safe.

Billy nodded at her, in some silent understanding between them and she felt her heart swell with love for him. She knew now more than ever that she had been right all along, and he was exactly who she knew he was. 

He moved to the oversized chair in the corner and she sat on the other side of the bed, stretching out her legs and leaning back. Eventually she drifted off, but the morning sun woke her as soon as it dawned. 

She took a breath, trying to stretch without moving. Billy was slumped a little in the chair, asleep. She turned her head to find Ryan asleep as well and she breathed a silent sigh of relief. 

As quiet as she could, she stood up from the bed and went to the bathroom to freshen up. The boys were still asleep when she emerged but it was well into morning now and she knew they would need to leave soon, so she quietly set to brewing coffee and setting out the cereal and fruit. 

Billy woke first, blinking his eyes open and searching for the source of the scent that had roused him. When he found Addison in the kitchen his expression softened and she couldn’t help but feel that swell again. He stood, stretching out the kinks from the night in the chair then crossed the room to collect the mug of coffee Addison offered him. He made a quiet noise of content and relief at the first sip then turned to check on Ryan. 

“We should probably wake him,” Addison murmured. “You’ll have to leave soon.”

Billy nodded but hesitated. Addison was tempted to take over but she stayed back. They needed this. 

After a moment Billy went to the bed and touched his shoulder. “Time to get up, Ryan.”

Ryan shifted and turned, looking up at Billy then nodded his head. They ate breakfast together quietly. It just didn’t seem right to say anything light, but just to be. Three lost people, bound for just a moment. Ryan went to the bathroom to change while Addison started to clean up. She pressed another cup of coffee into Billy’s hands when he stood to help her and nodded toward the balcony. She smiled to herself when he obeyed. And then it was time to go. 

Billy paused at the door, turning back to Addison and she had to swallow past the lump in her throat when she caught his expression. She wanted to take him in her arms again and tell him everything would be okay but it wasn’t true and it didn’t feel right. Instead she reached out to grasp his hand, rough and large in her own, squeezing it as tightly as she could. Even the momentary flash of comfort in his his dark gaze was enough. Then she turned to Ryan. “If you ever need anything ever, Ryan, I’m here. Okay?” He nodded. Billy reluctantly let go of her hand and then they were gone. 

  
  



End file.
